


something sorta like your name

by torasame



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 11:00:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27350047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torasame/pseuds/torasame
Summary: The messages Kuroo never sent and the words he never managed to say.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	something sorta like your name

**Author's Note:**

> It's late at night but woo it's my birthday.
> 
> Thank you for all the kind wishes. Thank you to Kou for krtsk crumbs and allowing me to be the beetle in Kuroo's hands (sniffs) and thank you especially to Jell and Signore Yu for coming over and spending the day with me. Thank you for my friends for the among us games and I apologize for framing and or killing most of you.
> 
> A note to myself (since I have a habit of doing these for birthdays):  
> Keep at it, keep pushing forward. You made it this far, you learnt more about yourself and you're breathing easier now. You're in His hands, so keep the faith and trust in it. There are great things ahead and more to discover.
> 
> Thank you again and hope you all had/have a good day.
> 
> prompts: phone calls/texts, insecurity, and "was I ever good enough?"  
> (title from "I lost a friend" by Finneas)

**2017/09/26 10:06am** (sent)

_ Hey Kenma, _

_ It's been a while. How have you been? I guess you've been busy on your end of Tokyo. Hope we can talk soon. _

* * *

**2017/09/30 8:05am** (sent)

_ You there? _

* * *

**2017/10/01 7:25pm** (sent)

_ Kenma! _

_ There's a new show that's out. You should check it out if you'd like. It's right up your alley! _

* * *

**2017/10/16 7:55am** (sent)

_ Happy Birthday! Hope you finally start sleeping like a sane person. _

* * *

**2017/10/20 10:05pm** (read)

_ Your favourite band was on the radio today. I found myself listening to their songs lately. I remember you liking them a lot. _

**2017/10/20 11:21pm** (reply)

_ I don't listen to them anymore. _

**2017/10/20 11:26pm** (read)

_ Oh, really? You used to love them when we were younger. I guess things have changed, huh? _

  
  


**2017/10/20 11:40pm** (reply)

_ Yeah. _

* * *

**2017/10/25 4:34pm** (sent)

_ Yo _

* * *

**2017/10/28 6:16pm** (sent)

_ You there? _

* * *

**2017/10/31 8:58pm** (read)

_ Yoo _

* * *

**2017/11/2 1:11am** (read)

_ You busy? _

* * *

**2017/11/15 4:27pm** (unsent)

_ Are you free to meet up in the next two days? _

* * *

**2017/11/19 7:35pm** (reply)

_ Sorry. I was busy. _

**2017/11/19 7:38pm** (read)

_ No worries. Sorry for replying late, I had to put something away. _

**2017/11/19 8:01pm** (reply)

_ It's fine. _

**2017/11/19 8:01pm** (read)

_ How are things on your end? _

* * *

**2017/12/01 5:46pm** (sent)

_ Christmas is around the corner. Are you heading home? _

* * *

**2017/12/25 7:42pm** (sent)

_ Merry Christmas! _

* * *

**2018/1/1 12:01am** (sent)

_ Happy New Year! _

* * *

**2018/1/5 4:37am** (unsent)

_ Hey, how are things going? How's Shrimpy? I heard your stocks are doing well. Maybe we can meet up soon. _

* * *

**2018/2/3 6:30pm** (unsent)

_ Hey, is everything okay? Hears about what happened. You don't need to talk about it if you don't want to, but I'm here if you need me. _

* * *

**2018/2/12 11:29pm** (unsent)

_ Today's been… today's been difficult. I hope it's going better on your end. _

* * *

**2018/2/14 3:15pm** (unsent)

_ I got to see Tsukishima today. We went out and the date went well. He was smiling the whole time and it just made me happy. I thought I'd share this to you, it's strange since I'm just so used to telling you everything.  _

* * *

**2018/2/21 5:17pm** (unsent)

_ It's weird for us to be apart for this long. Growing up, you were always there. You were always someone I could tell my thoughts to, someone who entertained my questions about the universe. You stuck with me, for whatever reason, but I was glad to know you were my best friend. I'm sure you wouldn't want me spilling all this to you, that'd be pretty awkward. But I'm thankful for you. _

* * *

**2018/3/6 10:31am** (unsent)

_ Tell me about the people you love. The places you call home. The thoughts that made you think a certain way, something that made you happy, sad or anything in-between. Tell me about the little things, just like you used to do. _

* * *

**2018/3/18 12:05am** (unsent)

_ I miss you. I miss you a lot. You probably wouldn't want to hear it, you'd probably kick me in the shins again. But it's been a while. I've got to get it in my head. I guess I've been stuck in the past for quite a bit. I hope you're doing well. _

* * *

**2018/3/27 1:24pm** (sent)

_ I watched your fundraising stream, looks like World Famous Kodzuken is really stepping it up huh? I had to wipe my tears, I'm so proud :') _

**2018/3/27 1:26pm** (unsent)

_ Do you wanna game together some time? I'm pretty shit at SSB though you'd probably be able to wipe the floor with me. _

* * *

**2018/3/29 3:37pm** (reply)

_ Thanks. _

* * *

**2018/4/7 2:48am** (unsent)

_ Sometimes I think I should've looked out for you more, I dragged you into so many things out of spite. I think about mistakes I've made, how I shouldn't have said this one thing in freshman year, how I should've gotten up earlier so we wouldn't have been late in middle school. I should've gotten you better gifts on your birthday. _

_ Sometimes, I wonder if I was ever… worthy? Is that the word. I'm not sure what to say. I can't seem to find the words for it. _

* * *

**2018/4/11 12:15am** (new)

_ Tetsuro, is everything okay? _

**2018/4/11 12:17am** (unsent)

_ There's this strange emptiness in my chest. This urge to keep checking my phone even though I don't find what I'm looking for. There's an itch under my skin, a silence I can hear but can't put into words. Like a musical sheet I can't read. Everything seems to be slipping, my consciousness feels semi present.  _

**2018/4/11 12:18am** (read)

_ I don't know, Kei. I don't know. It could just be the fatigue getting to me. I'll head off for now, have a goodnight. Love you. _

**2018/4/11 12:18am** (reply)

_ Sleep well. You too. _

* * *

**2018/5/2 3:09pm** (read)

_ I didn't know what else to do, but I just— _

_ Was I ever good enough? To be the captain of the team, to be put in this position. Was I ever good enough as a friend? _

**_incoming call from Tsukishima Kei…_ **

* * *

The tears continue to pour down his cheeks, his breath hitches in his throat and his shoulders shake. He draws his knees closer to his chest, his suit crumples but he can't bring himself to care. The bathroom floor is cold beneath him, he struggles to fight the shadows away.

_ "Tetsuro," _ the voice from his phone says, a beacon in the dark.  _ "I'm here." _

_ " _ I don't know what's wrong," he says pathetically. "The week has been well but somehow, I can't stop crying."

_ "You're enough, Tetsuro,"  _ Tsukishima says quietly, it feels like he's right next to him, like his words are incasing him in an embrace.  _ "I know it's easier in words, but you need to think about it. If you weren't enough, you wouldn't have been elected as captain, you wouldn't have been as well respected. If you weren't enough, the association would've never given you a chance. They saw something in you, they saw a part of you and saw that you were what they were looking for." _

_ "You're smarter than you think yourself to be. Kinder than you joke about. You're an expert in reading people, but slower when it comes to yourself. You're logical, you're honest, you're multidimensional. You're everything and so much more. You're a lot better with people than I am and you care for them. You care about the connections you make, more than you could ever admit." _

_ "You know that affirmation comes from yourself, that's something you've told me time and time again. You are enough Tetsuro. I love you more than words can say. And I know it's difficult for you to put yourself in a position of vulnerability, I know it seems impossible for you and I'm not asking you to do so. You don't have to be vulnerable to tell me you aren't okay." _

* * *

**2018/5/4 8:07am** (new)

Colourless 107. 

* * *

Kuroo reads the text a little over two hours later. His eyes feel heavy, his drooping down a little more than they already do. He figures out the cryptic text Tsukishima sent him over breakfast.

He grabs the novel by the shelf. The cover is grey save for the horizontal lines of melted colour that stretch across it. The characters read:  _ Colourless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage. _ It was the very first novel Tsukishima had given him before they started dating.

He flips past a paper tab within the estimated range of the page number, only to find that the mark led him right to it. It's lined up beside where the quote began.

_ Maybe I am fated to be alone, Tsukuru found himself thinking. People came to him, but in the end they always left. They came, seeking something, but either they couldn't find it, or were unhappy with what they had found (or else they were disappointed or angry), and then they left. One day, without warning, they vanished, with no explanation, no word of farewell. Like a silent hatchet had sliced the ties between them, ties through which warm blood still flowed, along with a quieter pulse. _

The door clicks open, it takes him a while to tear himself away from the words and find Tsukishima by the doorway. Tsukishima slips off his shoes, drops his bag, walks over to him and guides his head onto his shoulder. Kuroo does not move against him, his eyes sting but are too dry to bring himself to cry.

* * *

Kuroo stares at the screen, his fingers hover over the keys, but his mind goes blank. He wants to say something, he wants to find the words he found with Tsukishima. But he's poured out too much of his soul. He's something of a hollow shell for now. But he feels the need to say something. He's searching but doesn't know what he expects to find. 

In the end, his screen grows dark, he lets his phone back onto his desk and stares at the empty space in front of him.

* * *

**2018/6/10 8:56am** (new)

Good morning Mr Kuroo, this is (-) from the (-) division. I was told to inform you of your assignment to work with the famous YouTuber by the handle of Kodzuken. I heard you both knew each other growing up, he also asked to be assigned with you personally. You'll have a meeting in a few days, more details will be briefed when you get to the office. Let's do our best today.

* * *

**2018/6/10 11:37am** (new)

_ I'm sorry. I'm terrible at keeping in touch. Work's been a lot and I don't think there's really any excuse for it. I just never really know what to say. _

_ You've been adamant in keeping in touch and I'm sorry for the trouble. I'll try to do my best. I'm sorry, Kuro. I should've done better. And you shouldn't just forgive me for it. _

_ To be completely honest, Tsukishima reached out to me recently. He didn't explain everything in detail out of privacy, but he said enough. _

_ I'm not very good at these things and I'll be sure to do better. I can't undo what I've done, but I'd like to try and make it up to you. And I know it'll take some time for you but I'll be here. _

_ Hope we can catch up soon. _


End file.
